I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize