His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
