happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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