also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
