I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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