All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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