i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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