i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
