I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
