if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
