i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
