Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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