my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Randomize
