I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
