Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
