I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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