i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
