You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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