I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
