Sry I called you an 8
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I am naked and annoyed.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
