dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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