everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
