I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
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He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
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I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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