I just made out with a guy for $7.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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