I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
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