I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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