He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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