just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
