its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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