Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
