three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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