if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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