this just has baby written all over it
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
