I accidentally had phone sex last night
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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