You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
