Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
