He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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