Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I got chris browned last night
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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