WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
