new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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