she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
