OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
