If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
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the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
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Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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