You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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