Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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