I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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