So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
