but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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