i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
