Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
