please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
