Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
