i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
