We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I cannot find my penis.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
