I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
